It has been so long since I've written a message here. I hope there are still some who will read my words and perhaps find some challenge, some peace and acceptance for themselves.

My life has been difficult for some months now. Marty has had a particularly nasty sore on her stump since the first week of Sept. and is only now beginning to heal. So she's been in a wheelchair. It has curtailed much that we like to do. I have had surgery on my shoulder that had a particularly bad tear in the rotater cuff and 5 weeks ago had back surgery which ended up fusing more than I thought would be necessary, so I'm still recovering from that. All this with still much to do helping Marty with the everyday things that can't be let go. But finally my body is deciding to heal - maybe because I'm tired of babying it. :)

It would be nice if this winter would truly be a time of rest and healing and a return to life as we once knew it. I don't particularly like the snow, but once it's here it challenges me out of my whimpyness. So I am rather eager to see what the season brings.

I miss Faeria and my role of Sage. I miss wandering the forest and sitting by the stream. I miss the gatherings. I know much healing is happening and that is exciting. Out of that could come great and wonderful things.

I wish all of you well. May you find more pieces of yourself to experience and incorporate into the you that we can all see.

Nemaste

Dulcinea

Hello Goodbyes

The week has gotten stranger as the days pass. Today we decided to pack up and start home tomorrow. The stream is so high that the path across is covered with rushing water so Marty couldn't get across. I gathered our gear from the other side and carried it across to her and she packed it in the car. As I made trips back and forth I would see things or spots in the woods that would remind me of other times, other camp outs with children and their father. Sometimes a plant or a stone would remind me of something that was once so wonderful. Poignant memories. You never know when there will be a "last time" for something that seems so ordinary. I don't really remember the last time I was there while my children were still little, but I so remember the many times that we would pull into the driveway, open the car doors, the kids would tumble out of the car in excitement and proceed to strip to the nakedness that Meadowbrook would fill with happiness, and relaxation. A meal and a nap and they were off again. Many years have gone by since then and I wish I had known about the last time that would happen so I could have marked it somehow and said goodbye.

I have spent many hours, days, weeks and months at Meadowbrook; have resolved, solved, pondered many of my life's issues there; have camped in sunshine, rain, cold and snow and all that seems to change is the height of the trees. Each of my children have had their issues over Meadowbrook, which sometimes involve other family members, as have I. But it remains the source of the deepest roots any of us have or will have I think. Now I'm realizing how restraining my age and physical condition is when it comes to how much I can do there. There will come a day when I leave the driveway and it will be my last time. Knowing now how many goodbyes I have missed over the years, I deliberately say a deeply emotional, heartfelt goodbye when I leave Meadowbrook. I want the land to know how much I've appreciated its many gifts, memories, solace, and insights. I wish it wasn't 14 hours from where I live because that limits my visits very much.

So this has been a strange year at Meadowbrook and my heart aches for all we might have experienced there. Marty and I are not young and our health does limit us. Mykyl is fond of saying that human beings don't live long enough to become old. I'm afraid she is too young yet to understand how older people feel about themselves and to know how age folds its arms around us in a tender but incidious way. Before you know it, it's so very hard to climb that hill, to pitch a tent, to build a fire, to tolerate rain with aching bones. Have I said my last goodbye to Meadowbrook? I hope not, but it could be so. Life is so fleeting that I become more and more aware of the moment I'm in and try to bring my consciousness into play so I don't take this life thing too lightly and ungratefully. I hope to experience so much more, to share time and build memories with Marty. Our life paths consorted to keep us apart until we had both raised families, experienced pain and joy, each in their turn and time, to grow to know ourselves and how to give ourselves to another, but time is shorter now.

I could go on for another few pages, but the essence of what has presented itself for my perusal and for sharing with you, whoever you might be. So I say goodbye for today...hopefully not for the last time. You are precious to me.

Nemaste my friends,

Dulcinea

Rest and Being

So far, this week has not turned out to be what I had planned for it to be. Marty and I came out here to camp in the woods, explore the stream, sit around a campfire and share ideas and insights. We've talked, we've shared, we sat at a campfire one night, the night we arrived and Mykyl had a fire started. Otherwise we've been staying at a motel, reading, driving to see a couple of friends from my school years. It's been rainy, humid, muddy everywhere; almost impossible to start a fire, clothing is damp, dogs are a couple of little messy mudballs. We had dinner with Mykyl and daughter last night (great meal and wonderful company), and saw an enormous number of pictures from Elizabeth's trip.

I had planned, by now, to be pretty much into a painting. Haven't even been able to get my painting supplies out. That's a big disappointment. Taking pictures for future paintings isn't much of an option since the rain and haze rather distorts the view. I would love to do some hiking, but mud isn't conducive to safety for Marty or the technological considerations of her prosthetic.

Yesterday I commented on Princess's blog, telling her that we are human BEINGS not human DOERS. Seems that the messenger is being called to her own truth. I've truly been in a much more contemplative state than I would have been had I been able to DO all the things I had wanted to do. That contemplative state has brought me to a new level of growth and understanding and that is very good indeed. I, too, tend to fill my time to the brim with tasks, lists and time-consuming activities that take me away from myself, my friends, Marty..... I, too, attempt to unconsciously - or consciously - steer away from spiritual aspects of my life that I truly want to address, but somehow, apparently find to be a different way to live than I might currently want to invest myself in. Then when I get all tangled up in the mess I inevitably make, I force myself to read what will challenge me to turn around, or dialogue with my inner parts that are always happy to help me get back on track.

So, this has been a week of struggling to DO the impossible and spend more time resting and getting reacquainted with my BEING the human I know I am. As I told Princess, the best way to not be affected by the unconscious is to become conscious of whatever has hold of you.

I would invite all of you to join me in BEING.

Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea

Home

Have you ever heard that you can never go home? I had heard that over and over all my life and never really believed it. Then my mother died and the house was sold. That had been "home" to me for a very long time even though I had a home of my own when I married and had a family. Then I divorced and moved to Colorado and that became home
Have you ever heard that you can't ever go home once you've moved from where you grew up? I had been told that all my life and I never really believed it because no matter what # husband I was on and where I was living, home was always where my mother lived. When my mother died and the house was sold, I was lost for a while, but realized that "home" would probably be the land I own in Attica, N.Y. and where Marty and I are camping for a week or two. My children and grandchildren have gotten together there from time to time over the years. It used to be a tradition that as many as possible would join there in July for Thanksgiving in July and camp, fix a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner over the fire and Mykyl would fix two turkeys on grills. We'd camp and walk the stream, sit around a campfire at night, watch the fireflies and tell stories, (some of which would be just TMI for my delicate and sophisticated brain ((:O) .) That was a wonderful time and it felt comfortable to call Meadowbrook "home". Now the family doesn't gather there due to some truly sad and unfortunate circumstances in the family that has pulled us apart. When I go there now, Mykyl will often come to camp and sit around the fire and talk and that is a wonderful thing, because I don't often get a chance to see her outside of SL.

This year as I drive around the area with Marty, showing her some of my old haunts, I'm realizing how different it is here now. It's been raining since we got here and it reminds me of a summer a few years ago that I camped at Meadowbrook for 5 months while trying to sort out my life. Somehow it seems like this is a year of letting go and it's rather mysterious, causing some anxiety and sorrow, yet seems so right. I just don't know what I'm being led to letting go of yet, but life moves on. As I've gotten older I realize how much I've let go of that's made my life a much more fulfilling one. Home now is where my soul mate lives as well as the world and universe at large, and finally wherever I go once I am composed of the life force I came here with, minus a body that doesn't much please me any more. And I realize that it's all good. As the years pass now, I feel free to make mistakes, to act silly/childish, to love and be loved by a woman who is so far beyond me in growth, understanding and wisdom that I feel blessed every moment of my life.

So I AM always home, especially when Marty is with me also. Life is a never ending unfolding of opportunity for growth, for joy, for sadness - sometimes bordering on deep depression (which is also a place of growth). I feel the emotions of others and understand their pain at a deeper level than I did as a full-time therapist. I find myself reaching out to others without knowing why except that I care so much for the health (mental and physical) of others, of Mother Nature, of the universe at large. I am so committed to my part in that health and welfare that I find myself doing things at times that I would never have thought of doing because I was so wrapped in my own world and my own issues that I thought were so much more important, or in worse need than anyone else's. This is a good time in my life, even though I know Mykyl and others in my family, the RLs of SL people are not in such great places. SL is home for me also and I offer myself, my wisdom, my experience, my heart and healing to anyone there who would reach out.

I AM HOME AND I CONTINUE TO LEARN MORE AND MORE ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS.

Make a wonderful day and life for yourself and welcome to my home.

Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea

The Price of Unconscious Living

It has been a long time since I've posted a blog and, for those who have read my blogs in the past and perhaps have therefore looked for them, I apologize.

I'd like to tell you a story (not my own); one that says so much about our times and our sense of self and our worth; one that states an irrefutable truth about society today and thus impacts our morals, and our treatment of one another, especially some specific groups of people who are viewed as disposable, and one that will hopefully challenge the reader's awareness of the need to act out of consciousness.

There once was a tailor - a very well-known tailor, who made fabulous suits. His work was of a very high quality and therefore very expensive. A man in the village had finally become wealthy enough through honest business dealings that his position required he look fine as would be expected of a man of his standing. He went to Zumbach, the tailor, and had himself measured. When he went back to Zumbach the following week for the final fitting he put on his new suit and stood in front of the mirror. He saw that the right sleeve was two inches longer than the left. "Ummm, Zumbach, there seems to be something wrong here. This sleeve is at least two inches too long."
The tailor was so thoroughly used to being unquestioned by his customers that he puffed himself up and said, "There is nothing wrong with this suit, my good man. It's just the way you are standing." Zumbach proceeded to push the man's shoulder until the sleeves were even. When the customer looked in the mirror , he saw that the fabric at the back of the suit was bunched up behind his neck. "please, Zumbach" the now confused man said, "my wife hates a suit that bulges in the back. Would you mind just taking that out?"
Zumbach snorted indignantly, "I tell you there's nothing wrong with this suit! It must be the way you are standing." Zumbach shoved the man's head forward until the suit seemed to fit him perfectly. After paying the tailor's high price, the man left Zumbach's store feeling uneasy and silly without knowing why.
Later that day, he was waiting at the bus stop with his shoulders lopsided and his head straining forward, just as the tailor had arranged him that morning. Another fellow took hold of his lapel and said, "What a beautiful suit! I'll bet Zumbach the tailor made that for you."
"Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Because only a tailor as brilliant as Zumbach could outfit a body as crippled as yours."

By and large, we have been taught much about the world, been discouraged from learning much about ourselves and are reluctant to trust the wisdom that comes from experience. The first step toward not being unconsciously influenced by something is to become conscious of it.

(Much of this story has been paraphrased and expanded from the writings of Ram Dass)

Life Today

Hmmmm.....I am learning some hard lessons on this path I've chosen. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself and the path chose me and is playing with me as life often has. All I can say about
that is whatever has come my way has always given me more to ponder, to let go of and to choose to continue along the path less traveled.

I have a friend, one I have cared for so much that he became another son. He's been ignoring me and promises he made to me that involves an exchange of a car and his payment thereof. I gave him the car, but apparently he feels that my care for him means that he doesn't really have to pay for it. My comment about this sort of thing (which has happened to me too many times in the past...guess I need to learn something about this particular lesson?) is that apparently the person on the receiving end of these transactions must have a greater need than I do; ultimately I let it go and continue on my way ( sometimes a bit more bitter than I'd like to be).

Then I have a client..a 13 year old who has bi-polar and some developmental issues. Very, very bright with a vocabulary that would challenge a physics college professor. Very timid. Few friends. Few social skills. The past two weeks her school has received bomb threats and she's scared - understandably - and she's in such a fragile condition that my heart breaks for her. The bi-polar issue is pretty much under control with medication, fortunately. She's beginning to develop physically and is becoming interested in boys, but her mother (a basically very good person [also with bi-polar] has long talked with her about what it's like to become a woman and to have any kind of relationship with boys and none of it presented as a good thing. She can't talk with her mother about her developing interests and feels guilty about talking with me because she feels she's betraying her mother.

Throw in a few family issues, disability issues of my partner and the too slow arrival of Spring and you have a sage in some turmoil - I think that's an oxymoron. :)

Then there's the physical weakness of old age and the results of a motorcycle accident that rides my back like an ever clinging, frightened of abandonment monkey and I wonder what my world is coming to. Then I remind myself that I'm a sage and have gone through this much and more over the years and always have found the end result a shining star in my eternal optimism. Sometimes, however, particularly in the middle of challenges, I feel so vulnerable and inept. I wonder where my sagely wisdom has gone. Maybe this time it will leave and never come back.
A good thing about the pain in my shoulder and neck is that it keeps me slowed down enough to have to sit with heat or ice and then I can more easily put my life in perspective and come up with some possible applications to life's annoying and frustrating messes.

So there's a bit of the very human side of me that keeps me humble. Humble enough to ask that my readers take a moment to send me light and love and strength. Guess maybe those would help until I get out from under the clutter. :-)

Give yourself time to find your inner voice today my friends. I know I need to work at shutting down the mind chatter and maybe you do too. Nemaste.

Philosophy, Relativity and Reality

Posting blogs means that you open your heart and mind so that others may see you ( and sometimes the reader themselves) more clearly. The ideas I express here are a result of much introspection that may have gone on at length at some other time in my life or may be very current and still under development. My journey at this point in my life is a spiritual one (not religious in any sense). I am seeking to know myself, my inner self, better; to explore what I truly believe and what I commit myself to in terms of my inner journey.

The human mind is very active in the world arena. Check the headlines of any newspaper, TV news, ads that draw us to consider how to make our lives more fun or easier or better than anyone elses and you will find a plethora of outlets and fulfillment opportunities. There are a great number of people who, seeing or hearing about all the alternatives, realize that there is an urgency to look at life differently, to explore the ways they function in the world and know that there is a great need for a shift in consciousness before humanity and the world cease to exist as we know it. Many have acknowledged this need and have given themselves to a new way of thinking about and experiencing life. I should clarify what I mean by "thinking". Indeed, thinking is not a main component of the rising case for a new awareness of the inner self, for the awareness of conscious living. We all have all the answers we want or need to our deepest questions within ourselves but our minds are making too much noise to be able to hear them. And so we buy into the world's offers because it's easier for so many.

All this to say that what I write in my blogs is my own experience and belief, and may be best considered as a philosophical challenge for your own growth, or considered as so much mumbo jumbo, as Time Magazine found the contents of Ekhart Tolle's, POWER OF NO, I certainly don't expect that my truth is your truth, nor do I judge your path. I am a sage and as such have discovered much about life that might help others. I share what I do because I am lead to do so by a deeper part of myself than I have ever known and would hope you will also find that depth in yourself by whatever means you find.

I wish you happiness and peace on your path today. Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea