It has been so long since I've written a message here. I hope there are still some who will read my words and perhaps find some challenge, some peace and acceptance for themselves.

My life has been difficult for some months now. Marty has had a particularly nasty sore on her stump since the first week of Sept. and is only now beginning to heal. So she's been in a wheelchair. It has curtailed much that we like to do. I have had surgery on my shoulder that had a particularly bad tear in the rotater cuff and 5 weeks ago had back surgery which ended up fusing more than I thought would be necessary, so I'm still recovering from that. All this with still much to do helping Marty with the everyday things that can't be let go. But finally my body is deciding to heal - maybe because I'm tired of babying it. :)

It would be nice if this winter would truly be a time of rest and healing and a return to life as we once knew it. I don't particularly like the snow, but once it's here it challenges me out of my whimpyness. So I am rather eager to see what the season brings.

I miss Faeria and my role of Sage. I miss wandering the forest and sitting by the stream. I miss the gatherings. I know much healing is happening and that is exciting. Out of that could come great and wonderful things.

I wish all of you well. May you find more pieces of yourself to experience and incorporate into the you that we can all see.

Nemaste

Dulcinea

Hello Goodbyes

The week has gotten stranger as the days pass. Today we decided to pack up and start home tomorrow. The stream is so high that the path across is covered with rushing water so Marty couldn't get across. I gathered our gear from the other side and carried it across to her and she packed it in the car. As I made trips back and forth I would see things or spots in the woods that would remind me of other times, other camp outs with children and their father. Sometimes a plant or a stone would remind me of something that was once so wonderful. Poignant memories. You never know when there will be a "last time" for something that seems so ordinary. I don't really remember the last time I was there while my children were still little, but I so remember the many times that we would pull into the driveway, open the car doors, the kids would tumble out of the car in excitement and proceed to strip to the nakedness that Meadowbrook would fill with happiness, and relaxation. A meal and a nap and they were off again. Many years have gone by since then and I wish I had known about the last time that would happen so I could have marked it somehow and said goodbye.

I have spent many hours, days, weeks and months at Meadowbrook; have resolved, solved, pondered many of my life's issues there; have camped in sunshine, rain, cold and snow and all that seems to change is the height of the trees. Each of my children have had their issues over Meadowbrook, which sometimes involve other family members, as have I. But it remains the source of the deepest roots any of us have or will have I think. Now I'm realizing how restraining my age and physical condition is when it comes to how much I can do there. There will come a day when I leave the driveway and it will be my last time. Knowing now how many goodbyes I have missed over the years, I deliberately say a deeply emotional, heartfelt goodbye when I leave Meadowbrook. I want the land to know how much I've appreciated its many gifts, memories, solace, and insights. I wish it wasn't 14 hours from where I live because that limits my visits very much.

So this has been a strange year at Meadowbrook and my heart aches for all we might have experienced there. Marty and I are not young and our health does limit us. Mykyl is fond of saying that human beings don't live long enough to become old. I'm afraid she is too young yet to understand how older people feel about themselves and to know how age folds its arms around us in a tender but incidious way. Before you know it, it's so very hard to climb that hill, to pitch a tent, to build a fire, to tolerate rain with aching bones. Have I said my last goodbye to Meadowbrook? I hope not, but it could be so. Life is so fleeting that I become more and more aware of the moment I'm in and try to bring my consciousness into play so I don't take this life thing too lightly and ungratefully. I hope to experience so much more, to share time and build memories with Marty. Our life paths consorted to keep us apart until we had both raised families, experienced pain and joy, each in their turn and time, to grow to know ourselves and how to give ourselves to another, but time is shorter now.

I could go on for another few pages, but the essence of what has presented itself for my perusal and for sharing with you, whoever you might be. So I say goodbye for today...hopefully not for the last time. You are precious to me.

Nemaste my friends,

Dulcinea

Rest and Being

So far, this week has not turned out to be what I had planned for it to be. Marty and I came out here to camp in the woods, explore the stream, sit around a campfire and share ideas and insights. We've talked, we've shared, we sat at a campfire one night, the night we arrived and Mykyl had a fire started. Otherwise we've been staying at a motel, reading, driving to see a couple of friends from my school years. It's been rainy, humid, muddy everywhere; almost impossible to start a fire, clothing is damp, dogs are a couple of little messy mudballs. We had dinner with Mykyl and daughter last night (great meal and wonderful company), and saw an enormous number of pictures from Elizabeth's trip.

I had planned, by now, to be pretty much into a painting. Haven't even been able to get my painting supplies out. That's a big disappointment. Taking pictures for future paintings isn't much of an option since the rain and haze rather distorts the view. I would love to do some hiking, but mud isn't conducive to safety for Marty or the technological considerations of her prosthetic.

Yesterday I commented on Princess's blog, telling her that we are human BEINGS not human DOERS. Seems that the messenger is being called to her own truth. I've truly been in a much more contemplative state than I would have been had I been able to DO all the things I had wanted to do. That contemplative state has brought me to a new level of growth and understanding and that is very good indeed. I, too, tend to fill my time to the brim with tasks, lists and time-consuming activities that take me away from myself, my friends, Marty..... I, too, attempt to unconsciously - or consciously - steer away from spiritual aspects of my life that I truly want to address, but somehow, apparently find to be a different way to live than I might currently want to invest myself in. Then when I get all tangled up in the mess I inevitably make, I force myself to read what will challenge me to turn around, or dialogue with my inner parts that are always happy to help me get back on track.

So, this has been a week of struggling to DO the impossible and spend more time resting and getting reacquainted with my BEING the human I know I am. As I told Princess, the best way to not be affected by the unconscious is to become conscious of whatever has hold of you.

I would invite all of you to join me in BEING.

Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea

Home

Have you ever heard that you can never go home? I had heard that over and over all my life and never really believed it. Then my mother died and the house was sold. That had been "home" to me for a very long time even though I had a home of my own when I married and had a family. Then I divorced and moved to Colorado and that became home
Have you ever heard that you can't ever go home once you've moved from where you grew up? I had been told that all my life and I never really believed it because no matter what # husband I was on and where I was living, home was always where my mother lived. When my mother died and the house was sold, I was lost for a while, but realized that "home" would probably be the land I own in Attica, N.Y. and where Marty and I are camping for a week or two. My children and grandchildren have gotten together there from time to time over the years. It used to be a tradition that as many as possible would join there in July for Thanksgiving in July and camp, fix a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner over the fire and Mykyl would fix two turkeys on grills. We'd camp and walk the stream, sit around a campfire at night, watch the fireflies and tell stories, (some of which would be just TMI for my delicate and sophisticated brain ((:O) .) That was a wonderful time and it felt comfortable to call Meadowbrook "home". Now the family doesn't gather there due to some truly sad and unfortunate circumstances in the family that has pulled us apart. When I go there now, Mykyl will often come to camp and sit around the fire and talk and that is a wonderful thing, because I don't often get a chance to see her outside of SL.

This year as I drive around the area with Marty, showing her some of my old haunts, I'm realizing how different it is here now. It's been raining since we got here and it reminds me of a summer a few years ago that I camped at Meadowbrook for 5 months while trying to sort out my life. Somehow it seems like this is a year of letting go and it's rather mysterious, causing some anxiety and sorrow, yet seems so right. I just don't know what I'm being led to letting go of yet, but life moves on. As I've gotten older I realize how much I've let go of that's made my life a much more fulfilling one. Home now is where my soul mate lives as well as the world and universe at large, and finally wherever I go once I am composed of the life force I came here with, minus a body that doesn't much please me any more. And I realize that it's all good. As the years pass now, I feel free to make mistakes, to act silly/childish, to love and be loved by a woman who is so far beyond me in growth, understanding and wisdom that I feel blessed every moment of my life.

So I AM always home, especially when Marty is with me also. Life is a never ending unfolding of opportunity for growth, for joy, for sadness - sometimes bordering on deep depression (which is also a place of growth). I feel the emotions of others and understand their pain at a deeper level than I did as a full-time therapist. I find myself reaching out to others without knowing why except that I care so much for the health (mental and physical) of others, of Mother Nature, of the universe at large. I am so committed to my part in that health and welfare that I find myself doing things at times that I would never have thought of doing because I was so wrapped in my own world and my own issues that I thought were so much more important, or in worse need than anyone else's. This is a good time in my life, even though I know Mykyl and others in my family, the RLs of SL people are not in such great places. SL is home for me also and I offer myself, my wisdom, my experience, my heart and healing to anyone there who would reach out.

I AM HOME AND I CONTINUE TO LEARN MORE AND MORE ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS.

Make a wonderful day and life for yourself and welcome to my home.

Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea

The Price of Unconscious Living

It has been a long time since I've posted a blog and, for those who have read my blogs in the past and perhaps have therefore looked for them, I apologize.

I'd like to tell you a story (not my own); one that says so much about our times and our sense of self and our worth; one that states an irrefutable truth about society today and thus impacts our morals, and our treatment of one another, especially some specific groups of people who are viewed as disposable, and one that will hopefully challenge the reader's awareness of the need to act out of consciousness.

There once was a tailor - a very well-known tailor, who made fabulous suits. His work was of a very high quality and therefore very expensive. A man in the village had finally become wealthy enough through honest business dealings that his position required he look fine as would be expected of a man of his standing. He went to Zumbach, the tailor, and had himself measured. When he went back to Zumbach the following week for the final fitting he put on his new suit and stood in front of the mirror. He saw that the right sleeve was two inches longer than the left. "Ummm, Zumbach, there seems to be something wrong here. This sleeve is at least two inches too long."
The tailor was so thoroughly used to being unquestioned by his customers that he puffed himself up and said, "There is nothing wrong with this suit, my good man. It's just the way you are standing." Zumbach proceeded to push the man's shoulder until the sleeves were even. When the customer looked in the mirror , he saw that the fabric at the back of the suit was bunched up behind his neck. "please, Zumbach" the now confused man said, "my wife hates a suit that bulges in the back. Would you mind just taking that out?"
Zumbach snorted indignantly, "I tell you there's nothing wrong with this suit! It must be the way you are standing." Zumbach shoved the man's head forward until the suit seemed to fit him perfectly. After paying the tailor's high price, the man left Zumbach's store feeling uneasy and silly without knowing why.
Later that day, he was waiting at the bus stop with his shoulders lopsided and his head straining forward, just as the tailor had arranged him that morning. Another fellow took hold of his lapel and said, "What a beautiful suit! I'll bet Zumbach the tailor made that for you."
"Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Because only a tailor as brilliant as Zumbach could outfit a body as crippled as yours."

By and large, we have been taught much about the world, been discouraged from learning much about ourselves and are reluctant to trust the wisdom that comes from experience. The first step toward not being unconsciously influenced by something is to become conscious of it.

(Much of this story has been paraphrased and expanded from the writings of Ram Dass)

Life Today

Hmmmm.....I am learning some hard lessons on this path I've chosen. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself and the path chose me and is playing with me as life often has. All I can say about
that is whatever has come my way has always given me more to ponder, to let go of and to choose to continue along the path less traveled.

I have a friend, one I have cared for so much that he became another son. He's been ignoring me and promises he made to me that involves an exchange of a car and his payment thereof. I gave him the car, but apparently he feels that my care for him means that he doesn't really have to pay for it. My comment about this sort of thing (which has happened to me too many times in the past...guess I need to learn something about this particular lesson?) is that apparently the person on the receiving end of these transactions must have a greater need than I do; ultimately I let it go and continue on my way ( sometimes a bit more bitter than I'd like to be).

Then I have a client..a 13 year old who has bi-polar and some developmental issues. Very, very bright with a vocabulary that would challenge a physics college professor. Very timid. Few friends. Few social skills. The past two weeks her school has received bomb threats and she's scared - understandably - and she's in such a fragile condition that my heart breaks for her. The bi-polar issue is pretty much under control with medication, fortunately. She's beginning to develop physically and is becoming interested in boys, but her mother (a basically very good person [also with bi-polar] has long talked with her about what it's like to become a woman and to have any kind of relationship with boys and none of it presented as a good thing. She can't talk with her mother about her developing interests and feels guilty about talking with me because she feels she's betraying her mother.

Throw in a few family issues, disability issues of my partner and the too slow arrival of Spring and you have a sage in some turmoil - I think that's an oxymoron. :)

Then there's the physical weakness of old age and the results of a motorcycle accident that rides my back like an ever clinging, frightened of abandonment monkey and I wonder what my world is coming to. Then I remind myself that I'm a sage and have gone through this much and more over the years and always have found the end result a shining star in my eternal optimism. Sometimes, however, particularly in the middle of challenges, I feel so vulnerable and inept. I wonder where my sagely wisdom has gone. Maybe this time it will leave and never come back.
A good thing about the pain in my shoulder and neck is that it keeps me slowed down enough to have to sit with heat or ice and then I can more easily put my life in perspective and come up with some possible applications to life's annoying and frustrating messes.

So there's a bit of the very human side of me that keeps me humble. Humble enough to ask that my readers take a moment to send me light and love and strength. Guess maybe those would help until I get out from under the clutter. :-)

Give yourself time to find your inner voice today my friends. I know I need to work at shutting down the mind chatter and maybe you do too. Nemaste.

Philosophy, Relativity and Reality

Posting blogs means that you open your heart and mind so that others may see you ( and sometimes the reader themselves) more clearly. The ideas I express here are a result of much introspection that may have gone on at length at some other time in my life or may be very current and still under development. My journey at this point in my life is a spiritual one (not religious in any sense). I am seeking to know myself, my inner self, better; to explore what I truly believe and what I commit myself to in terms of my inner journey.

The human mind is very active in the world arena. Check the headlines of any newspaper, TV news, ads that draw us to consider how to make our lives more fun or easier or better than anyone elses and you will find a plethora of outlets and fulfillment opportunities. There are a great number of people who, seeing or hearing about all the alternatives, realize that there is an urgency to look at life differently, to explore the ways they function in the world and know that there is a great need for a shift in consciousness before humanity and the world cease to exist as we know it. Many have acknowledged this need and have given themselves to a new way of thinking about and experiencing life. I should clarify what I mean by "thinking". Indeed, thinking is not a main component of the rising case for a new awareness of the inner self, for the awareness of conscious living. We all have all the answers we want or need to our deepest questions within ourselves but our minds are making too much noise to be able to hear them. And so we buy into the world's offers because it's easier for so many.

All this to say that what I write in my blogs is my own experience and belief, and may be best considered as a philosophical challenge for your own growth, or considered as so much mumbo jumbo, as Time Magazine found the contents of Ekhart Tolle's, POWER OF NO, I certainly don't expect that my truth is your truth, nor do I judge your path. I am a sage and as such have discovered much about life that might help others. I share what I do because I am lead to do so by a deeper part of myself than I have ever known and would hope you will also find that depth in yourself by whatever means you find.

I wish you happiness and peace on your path today. Nemaste my friends.

Dulcinea

Sleepwalking

This world (RL) invites us, quite surreptitiously, to become mundane, archaic, numb, blind and deaf as a way to survive all the glamour and promises it has to offer. Without knowing, most of us have accepted the invitation. Without awareness, conscious awareness of our senses, moments fly by, days melt from one to the other and one night follows another without any sense of meaning or satisfaction. We spend our time in front of televisions, game boys, sports events, filling our minds with a craziness that feeds on itself and sucks the blood from our numb bodies and minds.

Just as a bank account has a balance, so does the number of our days and spending them in useless, non-conscious ways is the ultimate waste. Our time is precious. What we choose to be aware of matters.

TV programs, soaps, commercials, offers of free trips are not real. They are not life. They don't feed our soul nor do they deepen our relationship to authenticity. Our birthright is wakeful purpose and wonder. The only way to inner satisfaction is conscious awareness...valuable, wakeful experiences.

I wish you wakefulness, conscious awareness of your choices and a deeper sense of self and satisfaction.

Nemaste my friends. I have missed being here. Consciously or unconsiously, life seems to happen while I'm doing other things.

ONENESS

As Spring approaches and my heart turns to the beauty of sunshine and warmer days, I am reminded also that with the arrival of summer and joy being outside more, swimming, hiking, bicycling and the many things I do from Spring through Fall, I also realize that there is at least one big drawback to the outdoors in warm weather....mosquitoes. I really dislike those tiny little creatures that bring on so much angst. However, one of the species gave me a very big message one time about 10 years ago that carried a lesson in oneness that I'll never forget.

I went on a Vision Quest in Idaho. For those of you who don't know what a Vision Quest is I'll give a quick description. I, along with about 8 others went to a very remote area with a Native American Shaman. The Quest is a very personal experience and is over a nine day period of time. The first 3 days are spent cleansing your body of toxins, hunting for a quest site, and doing some internal work on what you hope to accomplish during the 3 days that you spend totally alone, with minimal gear and 3 gallons of water..no food. Once you find the area that "calls" to you, the shaman looks at the site for suitability, then cleanses it and marks out a 15 foot
circle that you will live within for those three days. The day that you leave for your site there is a sweat lodge for final cleansing and smudging. The sites were very far apart so you see no-one for those three days. The shaman walks the area within which the sites are, but is careful that you don't see or hear him. Once a day you walk outside your circle and if you have a problem or are in trouble or need anything, you can leave a "marker" inside an area that has been agreed upon prior to your individual quest.

So....3 days, alone, in a remote wilderness; no toys, no music (except my own singing to myself, the trees and whatever bear might be wandering in the area), no books to read....what to do all day, and all night - sleep seemed to be pretty elusive. However, we had a journal to write in and I had some drawing materials, both of which I used extensively.

One afternoon I was drawing some of the surrounding area and a mosquito lit on my forearm. I stopped sketching, looked at the mosquito and pondered its purpose on earth. It came to me that only the female mosquito bites. They use the philandered blood to feed their young. The young are often eaten by fish, little fish get eaten by bigger fish, bigger fish get eaten by people or caught and used for by products in dog and cat food. Some of the fish die a natural death and become part of the soil as they are washed ashore or after being cleaned by fishermen/women, the discarded parts become compost. Out of the soil that has been enriched by the fish discard, plants, trees, gardens are nourished. This nourished food is eaten by people, animals, birds... then the real lesson hit me. That bit of blood the mosquito carried from my arm would go through a very great circle of life and therefore, I would be part of many things which ultimately means that I am one with all. It was the first time that I truly understood the "Oneness" concept and I have a mosquito to thank for that. I tend to look at mosquitoes differently now, as well as everything around me. I AM one with all and that truth has awakened a part of my that is large indeed.

Think about it, my friends, and awaken to a new YOU. Nemaste. Live large and consciously.

COMMON GROUND

It is with great interest that I have read the blogs and responses to Mykyls' writings. I wasn't there for the original conversation that prompted the intense emotions that seemed to grow out of that conversation and it's perhaps good that I wasn't present.

I had been brought up in the church (protestant) and raised my children in the church also, believing that was the "right" thing to do. We learn to be parents from the parents who raised us. I can't say I wish I hadn't raised my children in the church because I know they picked up a few pieces of guidelines for behavior, belief systems, values and morals from what they learned there. At the very least, they learned enough to have something to compare to what they believed on their own. They also saw and heard things that formed different levels of attachment, or lack thereof, from people in churches we attended and from me. (Yes, my friends, I too am human and left my share of deep scars on my children).

As my children grew up, so did I and after they left home I began to really think for myself about what I experienced, saw and heard from the church, its members and leaders. I began to remember what it was like to attend church with my mother and it wasn't a pleasant source of memories. I began to withdraw from the sanctified walls and standing on the outside what I saw was a facade, a false facade, that guards its secrets beneath a robe of religiosity. I walked away from that church and away from organized religion 15 years ago and have grown more spiritually since I made that decision than I had any time since my childhood and through my young adulthood, even though I was very active in many church organized events.

My partner and I attend a discussion forum called Common Ground, founded by two men who have a dedication to world peace and who try to help people understand the fundamental beliefs of all religions. They believe that if we could understand other religious or spiritual perspectives we'd find a commonality that would surely lead to global peace. When you look at the history of war in the world, you will invariably find religious differences somewhere at the core.

When I have written about "going within" or finding your path, what I am largely trying to say is that there is a commonality amongst all mankind....a "knowing" that's unexplainable except as it relates to some sort of belief system by which we live our lives. From my perspective there is no right or wrong, good or bad, sinners or saints. There is only the is-ness of our existence. Those who would destroy the world trade towers, bomb a harbor full of military ships filled with sea men, strap bombs to themselves and step into a subway at rush hour only to kill themselves and as many others as possible seem evil to civilized mankind. How can those kinds of destructive measures be reviled when what they've been taught from a very young age is that if you die for a religious cause, you will be immediately be sitting at the right hand of God? It's all they know and for those of you who are in the process of recovery from religious teachings that bent and shaped your young life are in the same boat. We've been taught to "honor" our mothers and fathers, even though some of us have known unspeakable abuse, neglect, and dishonoring from those we are suppose to honor. During the days of the Crusades, women were burned at the stake for healing with herbs and ceremony not condoned by the church. Countries were attacked and villages wiped out because they wouldn't bow to the Catholic God. Religious fanatics stole land and murdered thousands who refused to be converted to whatever belief system ruled the day. The United States became what we are as a nation via the initial invasion, rape, murder and annihilation of a people dedicated to the preservation of mother nature who killed animals only as needed, using every part of the animal as possible for food, clothing and tools, or cleared only as much land as they needed to grow crops that would feed their people. When they moved on they left the place they had used in better condition than when they initially settled. Now we rape the land, kill for sport, use whatever space, land, air in any way we please and when it becomes too polluted and depleted we leave land fills (dumps), broken concrete and blacktop, empty buildings that decay while housing rats and the retched refuse of our population that somehow are unacceptable as part of the human race. The rich become richer and the poor become poorer and each are disgusted with the other. All this in the name of civilization. All this out of pride of being better than others in our own nation and certainly better than undeveloped countries, who of course would benefit from "civilization" but are too backwards to know any better. We are a nation united, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all. Hmmmmm. And we are civilized to boot. I somehow don't feel very proud of being an American.

Our commonality lies at the deepest level of ourselves, not as Americans, but as homo-sapiens in a world full of other homo-sapiens, all from a common source with so much promise and with the same depth of self should any choose to go there. I have found a path that makes all this understandable and do-able. I've listened to lectures at Common Ground, heard tapes from some of the most spiritual (not religious) people of our time, gone to countless lectures/discussions in which has been expressed concern that religion, as an institution, has failed us and given that the enormous, heart-warming strong desire for a spirituality that will have meaning and direction and acceptance of everyone rather than a chosen, proven few. There is a refreshing movement from religion to spirituality that just might save us from ourselves in spite of ourselves. I find my path in the Tao Te Ching. I am also a pagan (you might look that up in a good dictionary - Concord Concise is a good one). Others find it in Buddhism or Zen or any number of possibilities, to find the way to the inner self where the questions to all answers can be found and the circle of life continues. Go into your search with acceptance and love for all, including yourself and go in peace my friends. Nemaste

HIDDEN WITHIN THE SILENCE

As we develop and grow there seems to be universal questions such as: 'Who am I?', 'What am I here for? ', 'Is there a purpose to life?' At some point we attempt to search for answers to these questions. Robert Frost, in his poem The Road Less Traveled, said: "...and I? I chose the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference". Whatever path we chose it serves us best if we truly devote ourselves to it and practice returning to it when we wander, and begin the practice all over again. Most people accept and dedicate themselves only half-heartily to their choice. Some people, after experiencing what they find, will throw it away entirely, seeing the process as absurd. As we walk our path we find ourselves, our inner thoughts and beliefs, our level of dedication and commitment, our attitudes about a plethora of ideas and beliefs. In so doing we find a greatness of self and others that heretofore has been hidden from us.

We may develop or establish a set of guidelines for sorting through the rubble we will inevitably encounter. Such as:
Confusion arises when we search for clarity.
It will feel like we are walking backwards when we are working for progress.
Obstacles litter the way to smoothness.
Receptivity is the only way to the greatest power.
Shamefulness seems to appear along with true innocence.
The greater the resources we think we have will feel sadly lacking.
There's a measure of suspicion whenever genuine goodness is experienced.
Solidity and dependability will be accompanied by uncertainty.
The effectiveness of boundaries will be endless.
Wise people are continually learning.
Within silence is hidden the most comforting music.
Formlessness is the foundation of the most beautiful art.
The path you choose , itself, is in the silence, without form and is the journey to all beauty and joy with yourself.

This choice will probably be the most difficult one you will make, especially if you truly dedicate yourself to the process. It so worth the growing pains. Nemaste, my friends.

FALLING DOWN

There is an art to falling down...it's called growth. The amount of gentleness and awareness with which we pick ourselves up,the lightness of the hand that brushes us off and the open willingness we engage to continue and move on to the next step, which may well be beyond our safe edge, into the mystery of being are all the considerations by which growth is measured.

When my heart aches for another's pain, when I do random acts of kindness without anyone knowing what I've done, when I step into and past my own physical pain to ease another's and when I hold a woman, or a man, as they cry the tears of their brokenness, I know I have fallen many times somewhere along the way and the scars on my knees and hands have healed.

When I look away from a small child in tears, or an old person in rags, or a handicapped man or woman who looks at me with pleading eyes and drool running from their mouth, I know I am in the process of falling and also know that I will have need of introspection and that I'll be struggling with forgiving myself.

When I let myself down by not letting myself play, or by procrastinating over an unpleasant task that will invariably be there tomorrow just as it's there today, or when I judge myself for not doing something better or forget an important date, I've fallen again. When I ruminate over the number of times I've fallen, I fall even further. All opportunities for growth, some more difficult than others, but every one a gift. Accept your gifts and grow with grace. Nemaste my friends.

FINDING WHOLENESS

Our society seems to need to label things, people and events in order to understand, control, feel safe..... One of these areas is in defining age...somehow youth is more desirable than age. I would challenge this concept.

For the sage, age and youth are joined because the folly of youth and the wisdom of age has each had its day and are equally embraced. The innocence of youth and the experience of age support one another very well. The energy and goal orientation of youth is followed by a welcoming of rest and introspection as the sage emerges. Life and death are both elements of experience and cannot be separated.

As opposites have come and gone, the sage has, and does, experience them and then lets them go without feeling anxiousness about loss and does not need to hold fast to them for they have come and gone as have the moments that presented them. The sage feels no need to lecture but instead enjoys conversation. She can act in any way that seems appropriate or necessary without worrying about what anyone thinks ( letting others do the same) while living in contentment and satisfaction and joy. The sage welcomes the morning no less than youth for the sun shines on both, the rain nourishes both worlds, food and good company sustains each and when the sun sets on yet another day, it is glorious in its beauty and brings rest to youth and age alike.

I consider myself a sage, if only because of my age, and I find that many younger people see "older" as stiff in the body and a hard heart with a wandering mind. Just for the record (and as it applies to me - for I don't like to presume that my truth or my reality is theirs) sages don't generally find this to be true. "Our minds begin to see the oneness of all things, our bodies become more supple and flexible and our hearts soften in love" (William Martin in The Sages Tao Te Ching) I train my mind through meditation and reading as well as mental exercises that are challenging and force me to solve problems and think clearly. I horseback ride, I hike and bicycle, I garden, I play with my dogs and grandchildren. As for my heart....I listen, accept and forgive, both to myself and others. Peace is in my heart and makes it a soft and loving place. I allow myself to feel and am working at not judging myself. I do the hard work of seeking ever deeper answers that I didn't have time to do as a young mother and wife. a job which I judge myself pretty harshly for not doing as well as I wish I had. But those days are long gone and I can be in the moment much more frequently and see much more clearly before making choices.

Inner World

I've been writing and thinking a great deal about the idea of the inner self this week and I'm not sure how much of it has struck a familiar note with any of you out there. I struggle with my inner self on a fairly regular basis because I'm so wrapped up in the familiarity of my life as I've always known it. It's often easier to take the day to day, moment to moment "stuff" as it comes, respond out of old patterns, then go on to the next moment. The problem with this is that I'm being re-active in my life instead of pro-active, which is what I prefer being - and can most often be. That word "be" is also another big two letter word with carries so much meaning.

If I'm busy "doing" whatever needs to be done I may be productive, but that path takes me into a confusing territory of remembering who I am. We all need to stop and just "be" in the moment, in ourselves, in the emotion of the moment, in the joy of the moment. Keeping myself busy "doing" allows me to avoid the harder work of the inner self.

There is often difficulty awakening to their inner self, especially when "doing" the familiar keeps us distracted and feeling important. We are often so numb that we find it very hard to discover the new, interesting and adventurous parts of ourselves. That leaves us in a shadowy, strange encounter with our soul world. Perhaps it would help if we considered ourselves for a while as a stranger to out own deepest depths....view ourselves as a stranger who just walked into our inner sanctum. This might be a liberating exercise, helping to break the fearful stranglehold of complacency and familiarity. This less invasive path to our inner self might help us feel a sense of excitement and magic, mystery and inquisitiveness about the self we have rarely, if ever, met, much less conversed with, challenged, laughed and played with. We are not forever relegated to a deadened life, forever feeling that there's something missing, something more that we intuitively know is available to us, but haven't found a way to reach.

I am a great believer in the power of the subconscious and the means by which it reaches out and gives us messages via dreams. I journal, I write my dreams and interpret them as best as I can or have my partner help me with them. I've learned a great deal about myself and am excited about the possibilities of growth. I think that's why this blogspot opportunity has become so important to me. I'd like for others to experience this new consciousness. Perhaps if more of us could become more consciously aware of the self that lies within; the self that's largely been betrayed by the society that raised us a new collective consciousness would develop that might just change the world.

I hope you begin, if you haven't already, to become with your inner self. There's an amazing world that dwells within. Namaste my friends.

Practice Without Struggle

Whatever path we've chosen or will choose is best walked without struggle. Resistance is the result of struggle and to resist create much more suffering than is needed in our lives and in the world.

The present moment is all we really have and focusing on that we can clearly see what we must do to be most effective. Walk that path without complaining, without resistance, or trying to second-guess our choices. Then stop. We don't need to complicate our actions by seeking non-existent control or recognition. We can walk quietly, without needing the approval of others, when we truly know who we are, and who we are is only wanting to reach deeper and know ourselves better. It is enough...and more.

Actions that we choose out of our inner knowing is correct, but still may be difficult. It is focused, dedicated and effective. If you think to struggle over actions you will complicate the outcome and will not lead to a strong, lasting good.

Walking in our world

As we grow and mature we chose a path, a life we wish to walk, to live in a certain way, to work in a specific field, to have a family or not, what our outward persona is to be and countless other things. As we walk this path, our energy is focused on the things that fulfill our plan. When we step aside of our chosen way, fear contaminates our energy and we do whatever we can to protect ourselves.

The greatest suffering we experience comes from not knowing who we are or where our place is in life. Perhaps we question whether our chosen path is the one we really want; the job we've worked to make a living becomes less and less satisfying, something seems to be missing and we search in desperation for something to take away the discomfort. We become most unhappy when we continually want something more, something else. We sometimes search in endless circles for something to take the place of our discontent, our unhappiness.

It is only when we pause to take a few very deep breaths, let each one out slowly, calming the racing thoughts and uncomfortable discouragement and begin to let go of the "stuff" that fills our minds and look within, deep within, for the real self. If we can find contentment with each breath that leads the way to the forgotten inner self we will be eternally content. When we become acquainted with the real self, the way to freedom, happiness, fulfillment and purpose becomes an "a-ha" moment and the smoky mirror clearly reflects the real person. That real person exists then within the path chosen or makes choices to change their life. Whatever choice that was made initially or later in life is all good. Our impact on the world is just what the world needed. There is no good or bad except as we think it (Shakespeare).

This day I would hope that each person dare to take those breaths that will let them see deeper inside themselves. What you find will be wonderful and satisfying. The journey may be long and true understanding may come with many questions, but those too are all good. For myself, I love the process of discovering myself and incorporating my discoveries into an ever growing relationship with myself and the universe.

Letting go

Our safety and well-being are not dependent on the extent to which we control our lives. Control is an illusion. We are not separate from life, from the lives around, from this country's or global events. Attempting control separates us and brings misery more often than not. "No man is an island, no man stands alone. Each man's joy is joy to me, each man's grief is our own".
(Words to a song that I can't remember the title of as I write this).

Letting go of the belief that control is possible means we can let go of the idea that control keeps us safe. We've been so well conditioned to believe that in the attempt to keep ourselves and loved ones safe and happy we more often open the door to anxiety and suffering. We've even been taught not to think of ourselves so much, to be afraid of cracking the door to self and thereby have let go of considering ourselves as separate egos.

Being rather a scholar in human development, I know that developing an ego is an important aspect in human growth. However, development of the ego is a stage rather than the end product of person hood. Like the development of a cocoon is a natural and necessary part of being a caterpillar. However, development doesn't stop there. At some point the cocoon begins to soften, wear thin then opens into the next stage. What if there were a natural process much like this that involves our opinions, possessions, attitudes, beliefs and our ego. What if the ego is enveloped in a cocoon and one day it opens, not to the darkness of fear and death, but spreads its wings under a warm and loving sun to fly on to another stage?

There's no fixing what isn't broken

Aggression is not a requirement in response to confrontation. If we don't seek our own way, no one is a competitor and we don't have to respond in anger when someone opposes us. It's so easy to be non aggressive and peaceful when others behave as we think they should. The real test of the sense of self we think we have is when push comes to shove. When people oppose or attack our thoughts or our sense of right and wrong, a non aggressive response would be unexpected. It would be good to try to think about what a non aggressive response would look like so when the opportunity for each of us to offer resolution to some life issue, as it seems it must in life as it is today, we are able to respond as we choose instead of react out of fear.

When we know, with the deep knowing that comes from within, our strengths and our weaknesses we can use both for benefit . There is no need to try to fix ourselves or others and therefore we can relax in an easy and natural way as we walk our path.

Embrace all

In the process of looking within and finding that part of us that society has encourged us to put in some "appropriate" place so we fit better in the world, we will find some parts that seem acceptable and some not acceptable. But both are part of the reality of who we are and embracing both doesn't mean changing ourselves. It means opening ourselves to the wonder of who we really are.

Very young children are wonderful examples of living in the moment and being who they are in every moment. They don't feel shame until shame is taught to them. They don't feel guilt over spilled milk or a broken plate until they're taught that both are an unacceptable inconvenience. Time is a gift of many moments, always available to do with as they wish until someone teaches them that work is more desireable and useful than play. As "good" children, we all learned our lessons well and dutifully practiced what we were taught until we now fit some mold or other that the great world has packaged, stamped as "not fragile" and mailed off to the reality we have so long accepted as our life lived by "our selves".

All that declared, can we, with boldness, determination and gentleness, begin the journey to the center, our very own center, and consider embracing all that has dwelt there in darkness and shame for so very long? Can we embrace both the acceptable and unacceptable parts? Can we gently embrace the pain and without judgement enfold in our awareness the judged?

This process is not about changing ourselves. As William Martin said in "A Path and a Practice", it's about opening ourselves to the real wonder of life and to the wonder we truly are. Unconsciously, we live the idea that if we accept ourselves as we really are, we will not change. The second part of that idea is that if we accept ourselves as we really are, we will act in hurtful and harmful ways. What if those assumptions aren't true? What parts of you are the most difficult to accept and why are they difficult. What if much or most of what you were taught as a child was destructive to the real you?

I have been on a path of recovery from my childhood teachings for a very long time and can say that I truly trust myself enough to listen to that wee small voice within that knocks on the door to my heart and, sometimes timidly, but more often boldly now, asks to come in, to be heard, to be loved just as I am and just as I am becoming of my own free will. It seems to me that all of life would be so much easier and more peaceful if more individuals could do the same....and more. The world, both near and far, just might be able to be friends.

There are moments and then there are moments

It is sometimes very difficult to stay in the moment when one's world is repleat with friends and family who also share our moments. I am not one who hides in a corner when others are going through growth pains, but neither will I interject thoughts, suggestions or ideas if not asked. As a mother and grandmother well ingrained with societal shoulds and having grown in the love that comes with each life which interacts with mine, it is sometimes very painful to step back while maintaining support, to let go of the strong desire to step in and "fix it". Once we cross the boundaries of another's growth process, we intrude where we have a less than clear understanding of the other's relationship with the idea of self construction as I explained what I meant by that in yesterday's posting. Finding a balance of caring and providing support for others without loosing our own sense of self in the moment and avoiding enmeshment in the pain of others is growth in and of itself. Looking within ouselves at the relationship of the other's pain to our own place on the wheel of life, we may, indeed, find that there are lessons for ourselves in this crossing of paths and remembering when we were where they are.

There is a comment by William Martin in "The Sage's Tao Te Ching" that is appropriate here: Learning to see things from a different angle requires great courage. Old voices within will seek to kingle the fire of fear: Your're not going to have enoughl You must hold on! You're going to be alonel You're going to die. This is the truth of the Tao: We will always have enough. We can let go. We are never alone."

I would like to leave you this moment with the thought that the deeper one goes, as diving in a pond, the clearer the way can be seen.

Now

It would seem to me that at some point in one's life there comes a realization that what one has done all their lives, or even more so the life we've dedicated ourselves to, begins to pose the question: is this all there is? This doesn't mean that what has been done heretofore is no longer of worth. It's simply that the first half (or so) of our life we pretty much choose vocations, lifestyle, outward persona according to a set of societal expectations. Then gradually and quietly new thoughts and expectations for ourselves that we never dared entertain begin to become more and more insistent and pervasive. Our real self is tired of taking the suggested congested road more traveled. We daringly take a baby step into an unexperienced , ( but so familiar in some deep recess of ourself), vista and life begins to change. From that first step we retreat again to life
as it has been...familiar, safe, manageable...but now with a sense that returns uncalled of something missing and the inner soul finds the crack in the shell of self-protection and becomes a promoter of an iconoclast of the status quo.

There comes a day when declaring a difference in world view and self that releases a deep, evolving wonder and there is a joy in getting up in the morning not unlike the dew and sun filled days of early youth. One knows there is no going back and that is a good thing because new birth has arrived. There's a wonderful reason to proceed into the new unmapped territory, but none to go back to the limited self. Only this moment, this time, this exploration is important. What this moment contains is the building materials for the foundation of new growth for the remainder of life and it is ALL good. The soul has been recognized and acknowledged and can finally breathe.